tv 60 Minutes CBS March 24, 2013 7:00pm-8:00pm PDT
s every year. and thousands of basketball plays. and they make dolphins jump out of the water and eat fish. dad, you could do that. bob, i recall you raise either chinchillas or children. which is it? uh, children. good. i'm focus-testing some ideas. i need a new blockbuster attraction at wonder wharf. why don't you focus-test with the kids down at wonder wharf? those sheep? i've already got their money. besides, these children are a perfect cross-section of american youth. yeah-- boy, girl, and tina. i'm a tastemaker. when i talk, people listen. guys? mr. fischoeder, we're adrenaline junkies. oh. we like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in "méjico." i want something coming out of here, here, and/or here. the three-hole standard of excellence. wait, walk me through the holes again. let me throw some concepts at you. a bounce house full of jelly. jam slam! try chutney. keep pitching, barnum. scare-ousel-- a carousel where you ride on real horse skeletons.
you had me at "horse" but lost me at "horse skeletons." you know, if you're looking for an attraction, this town actually has some interesting movie history. hog wash! not you, bob, it's an idea. slide with the hogs. that's not bad. yeah, well, seriously, in the '80s, they shot one of those shark movies right here in town-- the deepening 3. oh, yeah, in 3-d. right, the deepening 3d-eeepening. oh, that shark made me so scared of the water, i spent the whole summer standing up to pee. (chuckles) then i got into the habit. i like it. there's your attraction. teddy, you remember the deepening, right? remember it? i was in it. some of us locals worked on that movie. i was handsome lifeguard #3. really? seriously? yeah, what? it's just, uh, you know, we're looking at the "after." it's kind of hard to picture the "before." bob. louise: guys, the shark is for sale. what?! the shark? a prop house is selling the actual mechanical shark and they're ready to deal. the actual shark? oh, wow, mr. fischoeder, you've got to get that shark. teddy: nah, don't, no, come on. teddy, yes. you worked on the movie,
you should be excited about this. yeah, but just not that shark. why, teddy? i don't want to talk about it. okay, that's one vote for yes and one cryptic vote for no. let's run it past the focus group. five-holer-- nostrils, too. sounds like a winner. noooo! teddy, what is wrong with you? uh, this ketchup is empty. can i get a new ketchup, please? mort: some actor, this shark, a real ham. he chewed more scenery than nicolas cage. he really chewed it... with his shark teeth. (mic feedback screeches) ha-ha-ha! (forced laughter) ha, ha, ha! louise, stop. mort the mortician, everybody. hey, i see bob belcher. all this was his idea. i know what you're thinking. that guy? yes, the guy with the, uh, food place. thank you. it's a restaurant. it's called bob's... now... please welcome champion water skier and shark attack survivor kristi sanducci.
i'd like to thank the jackass who got the left-handed scissors. kristi sanducci. always professional. now, the real star of the deepening 3d-eeepening-- the... shark. bob: whoo-hoo, shark, yeah! linda: ugh, someone has not aged well. what a butterface. we've filled her up with diesel, now let's see what she can do. (mechanical clicking) tina: it's waving at us. hi. so that one does that. let's see what this one does. (yells) yes! thank you, god. woop, wrong one... (stammering)... oh, here we... oh, boy. yes, yes, all part of the fun. can someone pass my arm back up here? give me that, louise-- we've got to give it back. no way! i caught it! it's like the bouquet at a wedding. i'm going to get bit next! you having fun?
why are we watching a movie about a fake shark when we could be at wonder wharf standing next to the real fake shark? because this is how i want to remember the shark-- in its prime, scaring the crap out of linda blair. fischoeder is crazy to keep that thing going. after what happened to that girl's arm and that lady's poor dog and that guy's balls-- you know, the juggler. oh, yeah, fischoeder's crazy to keep it going with all those people lining up, paying to see it, buying souvenirs. nothing good can come from that shark. it's evil. oh, there i am again. that's me in the red, white, and blue trunks. what's everybody looking at? nothing. nothing. your body. oh, my god, linda blair's boobs just popped out of her wet suit. ooh! they're comin' at ya! huh, this movie's a little bluer than i remember. let's get to a good part. (funky soundtrack playing) outdoor shower scene-- no. yes. topless car wash. yes. tina, no. nude hot tub-- no. yes. oh, okay, here's some good clean shark. no. see that surfer getting eaten? i made out with her.
she had her movie makeup on. fake organs were coming out of her side. pretty weird. the '80s-- am i right? you are not wrong. why is the shark attacking that submarine? the cia is training sharks to attack soviet subs, and they're holding the shark's baby hostage in the nude hot tub. so the shark isn't bad; she's just protecting her baby. she's misunderstood. she just needs a friend. (soulful '80s-era pop ballad melody playing) (deep belching) it doesn't want to be here. this is exploitation. i'll show you exploitation. go up there and get me that fin. you want her fin? i've got a guy. he wants it packed in ice and on the next plane. why does he want a mechanical shark fin?
mechanical shark fin soup. mmm, that does sound good. don't cut off her fin. it's her best feature. god, tina, it'll grow back. oh, yeah, cut it off. i'm bare-backing a shark. come on, gene, chop-chop with the chop-chop. whoa, it's tippy! aah, no, gene, get the fin! (screams) (gene grunting) are we safe here? of course! it's safety tape. they can't just call it that if it's... aah! aah! run, shark, run. we set it free. no, we didn't, we were never here. but we were. remember right now? yeah, okay, but you know what i just remembered? we were never here. oh, okay. (funky soundtrack playing) man, this movie is, like, 90% nude car wash. bob, there's some kind of commotion down at the wonder wharf.
it's like the running of the bulls but dumber. yeah, but with a shark. uh, yeah, it is a shark. yeah, it's a shark. fischoeder: nothing to worry about. having a little shark problem. uh, good time to grab a hot dog or some popcorn. oh, or a hot dog. mr. fischoeder, enough's enough, right? you've got to shut off the shark, right? i mean, now. shut it off? oh, no, no, i've got a packed park. i can't shut down my top attraction. i mean, i really can't. that thing's on till it runs out of gas. but what if it breaks out of wonder wharf? what happens then? those are reinforced cement walls, bob, built by somebody-- proud immigrants, i guess, i don't... wha...? the shark fell over? that's crazy. we were at the library, right, guys? yeah, exploring the wonderful world of books and periodicals. uh, yeah. and microfiche. oh, no, no, no, no... (tires screeching) crap. oh, my god!
the shark's busted onto ocean avenue. this is my fault. i have to do something. what? i said, "this is my fault. i have to do something." oh. block captain bob. yeah. (blowing weakly) god. ♪ well, i have been quietly ♪ standing in the shade ♪ all of my days ♪ and i've been trying to find [ male announcer ] a truly unlimited life needs truly unlimited data from sprint. and now, get $100 off samsung galaxy phones at sprint stores and sprint.com.
on ocean avenue, local merchants fear they will become so much fish food, while police and fire officials are caught in a surf-and-turf battle. meanwhile, local citizens are taking matters into their own hands. the block captain has called an emergency, all-block, shark-stopping meeting... (crashing) edith: that shark is ruining my arts and crafts business!
this town might do all right without arts, but crafts?! where the hell are we gonna be without crafts?! screw crafts! what about my liquor store? let me talk! everybody, listen! calm down! you calm down! i lost a son! seriously? a sun quilt. it was beautiful. listen, we're gonna solve this! yes, let's listen to bob. he's the idea man behind the shark. he pooh-poohed all my safety concerns, by the way. what? thank you. i have to run. n-no, i said it might be cool to get a mechanical shark. i didn't turn it loose. yes, he did! no, i didn't! nobody knows who did! yeah, stop this insane witch hunt! it could've been anyone who wasn't at the library. the library? it's no use! they know we knocked the shark over! wait, what? you did? no! that's just an expression. hey, did you knock over the shark today? you know i did! you're the family from hell! they're destroying the town! let's have a town meeting to decide what to do with the belchers! (screeching) eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
teddy, what are you doing? i'm trying to get everyone's attention, but i don't have any nails. okay, so what do you want to say? i have something to say. yes. what? told you not to get that shark! i told you he was trouble! now we need to join together to stop him. ow! don't you see? us fighting with each other, that's what he wants! ow! teddy, stop! yes, teddy, thank you. thank you. so, yeah, we've got to join together to stop the shark. let's put our heads together, right? block captain brainstorm. no bad ideas. go. topless car wash, like in the movie! topless car... don't write that down. uh, linda said there were no bad ideas, bob. well, she was wrong, hugo. (muttering): yes, like when she married you. what? what? i heard you mutter something. yes, and when someone mutters, that means they're muttering to themself. (muttering): huge mistake. well, i heard you. what? i heard you mutter. oh, really? what did i say? "linda made a huge mistake." so we agree. ha-ha. someone else? listen to me. i know how the shark thinks. it's confused. it doesn't know why you want to kill it.
it just wants to go home. tina, it's a machine. it's dumber than our toaster. our toaster is also confused. it doesn't know why we put bagels in it. oh, my god. okay, we got four good ideas. well, four hail marys we could try. (chants): let's stop the shark! or not. all: let's stop the shark! or not! let's stop the shark! or not. (mechanical whirring) (metal clanging) if a spike strip can stop those drunk shriners, it should be able to stop a shark. here it comes! here it comes! ouch. okay, we've given the shark spikes. i knew that would happen. bob: that oil's gonna keep the shark from getting any traction. ah... and we made it faster. bravo, bob! you want to catch a fish, you gotta think like a fisherman, right?
okay, now the shark is electrified! all you're doing is making the shark more dangerous, bob. i can see that, hugo! it was an fyi. bob, the shark's getting pretty close to our restaurant. it's all right. we've saved the best idea for last: the big hole. why'd we save our best idea for last? because we didn't know it was the best idea until the other ideas were really terrible. stupid. anyway, we dig a big hole, the shark falls in and hopefully, end of our problems. beginning of china's problems! sorry, china! they'll nail it. they're really smart. linda: come on, keep going. climb into your hole, you big mouse! (quietly): turn around! it's a trick! (cheering) ah-ha-ha! you did it, bobby! the shark is gone! gone, but not forgotten. wait, what are we talking about again? maybe you're not such a horrible, greasy, perverted, shabby, two-bit, filthy, disgusting pig. all right, thanks, thanks. (rumbling)
what was that? that thing's still moving down there. but we buried it. (cracking, rumbling) i think it just ate its way into our basement! (dramatic musical sting) dad, can we keep it? [ kids ] yes! it's better to be fast to not be bitten by a werewolf and then you'll be turned into one and you will have to stay in and then you'll have to get shaved because you will be too hot and then you're like... [ growling ] which means i wish i was back to a human. what? [ male announcer ] it's not complicated. faster is better. and at&t is the nation's fastest 4g lte network for your iphone 5. ♪
the shark is in our basement?! well, there's only one way to find out for sure. kids, stay here. duh. yeah, i thought our basement was scary before it had a shark in it. bob, stop. you've done everything you can. you don't have to go down there. this whistle says i do. gene: that whistle blows! (blows raspberry)
enough talk. this ends now. mort and i will go with you, bob. what? oh, i mean, yes! thanks, guys. that means a lot. oh, good news, everyone! the dream team's on it! ahab, gray-hab, and flab-hab! you want to come, hugo? no, i'm good. crowd control. back up! back up! real quiet, all of a sudden. quiet as a morgue. morgues aren't all that quiet, actually. maybe it finally ran out of gas. we could come back tomorrow. no! we gotta make sure it's dead, and then we gotta cut it up in little pieces so it never hurts anyone again! whoa, teddy, calm down. what happened with you and that shark, anyway? sorry, bob. you see, it's personal between me and this shark. we had a little run-in, back when i was working on that movie... i was chatting up that cute surfer girl. (distorted): ohh...! (snickering) (distorted): ugh! well, you can forget about getting any of this! she could've been the one, bob! i hit the craft service table pretty hard after that.
that's when i started getting fat. uh, i don't understand. why aren't you mad at the shark operator? oh, yeah, that's a good point. no, no! the shark drove him to it. it's evil, and now i'm fat. you're not that fat, teddy. i'm wearing a guy girdle. it's called a boydle. look at me. look at me! okay, teddy... well, you know, look at me. (falsetto): hi, teddy. i'm bob's belly. (both laughing) oh, you always know what to say, bob. mort: over here! i'm mort's belly. huh? what? we're not doing that bit anymore? what's going on in there? (rumbling) did you guys hear that? (all yelling) oh! we're gonna need a bigger restaurant! oh, come on. sorry. (all yelling) hang on, mort! (grunting) not... fat... enough! (yelling) mort!! no! i think mort got eaten. oh, i should've laughed more
at that belly-talking thing he did. mort, are you okay?! (bob and teddy yelling) i'm out! i'm literally grasping at straws! (yelling) ahh! teddy, you're being crushed! no, my boydle's protecting me, but i don't know how long it's gonna hold! this is what you want, isn't it?! (hollow thudding) this is what you want! i'm torn. dad raised me, but the shark gets me. if the shark eats our restaurant, is he our new boss? shark boss! (chomping noises) i'm blacking out, bobby! i don't know how to stop it. we've tried everything! it's too bad we can't make it die from cancer, like in the movie. it didn't die from cancer, teddy. oh, no, you're right. they shot the cancer ending, but it tested really bad. it didn't have the "pow." really? cancer? no pow? yeah, they shot a whole new ending, remember? they went and poured wet cement down its throat. yeah, and that would be really helpful if we had a cement mixer!
(door bell tinkling) maybe we do. the ice cream machine. she's right. we could fill up the shark with ice cream. that might mess it up, right? i chose you, dad. thanks, tina. over the shark. thanks. because i thought... yes. originally, it looked like maybe i would... yes. oh. yeah, dad, who was tina really gonna choose? a broken-down wreck with the dead eyes, or a fake shark? aww... you like that, mom? yeah. okay, let's give it a try. all i have to do is plug it in. ow! hurry, bob. some of the teeth are getting under the boydle! (bob groaning) stretch, bob! stretch! you call that stretching? got it! (shuddering) my feet are getting cold. must be making ice cream. (grunting) oh, my boydle came off! you got my boydle, but you don't got me, you shark! linda: it's working! the shark's getting all logy! i've had dreams like this. it's over. no, bob. (yelling fiercely)
die! die! die! now it's over. no, it's not dead! just kidding, everybody. just kidding. how shark was it? i still feel like i'm doing that wrong. (bell tinkling) whoa, bob! i love what you've done with the place. listen, i'm gonna be out of town for awhile, but, uh, keep it up. uh, we-we should talk about repairs for... no. okay. i'm going to miss you, shark. hmm, i'm gonna miss you, too, ice cream machine. he died the exact way i want to go: destroying the restaurant. hey, how the hell are we gonna flush this thing down the toilet? whoa, somebody lost their boydle! it's mine now. (grunting) ah, my little bobby block captain. you saved the town. eh, just part of the job. gene: you're fired! i can't take credit for everything, olsen, but as quadrant captain, i will. you're welcome. who wants soup? captioning sponsored by bento box entertainment captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
♪ my happy mustached face ♪ this is the cleveland show. ♪ (chuckles) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org donna: hey, everybody. breakfast house is ready. where's the buttery butter and the mapley syrup? nuh-uh! this is my house, punk! i believe it's in fork-closure. (laughs) oh. oh, here, you can have the chimney. i love you, my boy. well, i'm not eating. i need to look orphan-thin for my annie audition. broadway audition? off broadway? regional theater? summer stock? dinner theater? cruise ship? talking to yourself in the mirror? community theater. oh. i was still three away. rallo: good morning, everybody. notice something? not much. a lot. rallo, why are you porky pigging it? because i slept all night without a pull-up. boom! dry! bone dry! you know what this means? silk boxers?
he can stop sleeping in the tub? nothing? it means he's not a baby anymore. oh, my god, you're right! this a monumental day! we can finally get rid of all his baby crap in the garage. hang a tennis ball in there. park it just right every time. rallo, bring the kerosene from your bedroom! junior, bring your torch! roberta: no! stop! you forgot his baby book and the cd of all his baby photos. rallo, today you are a dead baby. (cheering) ♪ we ain't got no babies ♪ we ain't got no babies ♪ ♪ we ain't got no babies ♪ we ain't got no babies. ♪ cleveland: hey, now let's burn everything that belongs to roberta! (cheering)
mm. cleveland, i've been thinking. what? i'm 42 years old, oof. and there are some things i'm afraid i won't be able to do-- have a successful career, backpack across europe. or wear a bathing suit without a skirt on it. or have another baby. mm-hmm. well, night, now. cleveland... i want to have another baby. uh? wha...? i want to have another baby. donna, we just got rid of a baby. let's enjoy our twilight years in peace. now, if you'll excuse me, i have to write a letter. long hand. in the bathroom. peen, pen, pen, peen. donna wants a baby, donna's gonna get a baby. ("take me out to the ball game" playing) (giggles)
(cooing baby noises) the mobile is awesome. i will hang it in my car. we are not having a baby. (bat hits ball, crowd cheering) cleveland, if we did have a baby, i would need some help. so i thought we'd get a sexy live-in nanny. girls! nope. send 'em back. (sighs) donna: all right, girls. back on the bus. please no make us. we have so much herpes. (doorbell rings) goo, goo, ga, ga. i'm a baby. i messed myself. i love you, daddy. it ain't working, donna. what's miss donna got to do with this? (off-key): ♪ i'm...
♪ singing. stop, stop, stop. that was awful. i've heard enough. did i get the part? yes. next! look at me, i'm swinging! like tarzan! whoever that is. the franchise needs to be revived! aw, man, my stock outfit. open can of paint... hey, stage manager. why are you stage managing? because there were no burly lesbians around who wanted to do it. ha! that's who does that job. let me borrow your extra shirt. what makes you think i have an extra shirt? come on, man. fat guys always have an extra shirt. all that sweating, food dribbling, lactation. okay, okay. go get it from my locker. next up roberta de niro? stage name. all right. time to get discovered. leapin' lizards, daddy warbucks! i'm... wait. i don't need to hear any more. you've got the role... really?! ...of kicking the stool out from under me
as i hang myself because you were so dreadful. oh, it looks like i'll never find my annie. man, junior's shirt is unexpectedly large on me. i feel like al roker after his third surgery. except all this would be skin. that'll work. man: look out, i just waxed the floor. whoa...! wait, what's that? raise the scrim! hit the lights! cue the music! (playing "hard knock life" i think we've found our annie! what? him? yes. this play will be an historic display of color-blind, gender-blind, talent-blind casting. i'm gonna ride this little boy all the way to an obie award! but, mr. gargalode, who am i gonna play? it's "miss," and i'm gonna throw you a bone. and by that, i mean you can be the dog. but you...
you are the star. me? i'm a star? i want to make a rap album. hey, baby. get it? there was an explosion at work. i can't hear anything. good night. (whispering): french fries in gravy. hmm? so, there was no explosion at work. there was, i just wasn't there. isn't there a part of you that's curious to see what the two of us would make together? someone with my determination, good looks, and upper-body strength, and your last name? i do have a good last name. oh, cleveland, just look at rallo. they grow up so fast. junior's not gonna take baths with you forever. i'll take that bet. oh! you kill all my dreams! good night! good night. hmm, casablanca? never heard of it. philadelphia story? terrible city. chinatown? mm. not in the mood for subtitles. look who's talking? i wonder if this is anything like look who's talking too?
john travolta: are you thinking what i'm thinking? bruce willis: yeah. lunch. ha ha! baby called boobies "lunch." (laughs) baby driving a car! (laughing) john travolta kissing a woman! (laughing) (choked up): and now he's calling him "daddy." look who's sobbing. donna. wake up. i want to make a baby. you do? what made you change your mind? look who's talking movie. we're gonna have a dumb baby.
we nevanything...to eye on anything. then we discovered new 7up ten. has all the great taste of 7up. but with just ten calories. so now we both get what we want. both! you have more room for the... oh yes! both. we couldn't be happier. new 7up ten. great 7up taste. ten calories. get both. also available in these brands. eating lighter has never tasted so great. try our new mango chili chicken or mango chili tilapia, served with freshly made mango salsa and avocado. chili's $20 dinner for two -- more life happens here. between a boy and a bengal tiger during their fight for survival. but the true story of wild tigers
is that we have lost 97% of their population in just over a century. world wildlife fund is working to change that by giving tigers enough prey, space, and protection, in order to double the number of tigers in the wild by 2022. make a difference. visit... kids, great news. we're having a talking baby. like verne troyer? exactly. what this means is when mommy and daddy
put a sock on their doorknob, we do not bother them, no matter how bad the dream was, or how thirsty we are. or how much we hear what sounds like a mugging in progress. or what sounds like wet chicken breasts slapping against each other. mmm. or a boot being pulled out of the mud. ooh. or like someone mixing macaroni and cheese. (sultry music plays) cleveland. right. kids, clean that mess up. (both giggling) so let me get this right. you make a baby with mud, chicken and mac and cheese? that's what paula deen is made of. ha! got her. come on, sandy, we're going to n.y.... (clears throat) i could use a glass of water. junior, you mind getting me some water? there's a water fountain right there. we can't have our star drinking from a public fountain. that water's 90% lead.
and while you're at it, get me some pringles. (groans) i am wore out. monday night raw. is anyone curious why? curious? no. trapped? yes. guys, donna and i are making a baby. no, you're not. what? you got a vasectomy. no, i didn't. yeah, you did. six months ago. we all got drunk and played truth or dare. holt got a tramp stamp, you got a vasectomy, and tim tried meth. one time, one time. okay, two. a vasectomy? so that's why my boys hurt for three weeks. i thought a spider had laid eggs in there. donna? there's something serious we need to talk about. mm. down, brown. donna, a few weeks ago, while presumably blackout drunk, i...
cleveland, i sent the kids on a six-minute errand. you know what that means. no one will hear me whimper? (cleveland whimpers happily) ♪ leapin' lizards, daddy warbucks! your mansion is way better than mean ol' miss hannigan's orphanage. annie, you're all right. oh! this is stupid dumb. how come rallo gets to rehearse on skype? because he was unhappy with the humidity level in the auditorium. annie got to have her frizz. you know, just a thought on sandy... i think to really sell "dog," she should be eatin' real dog food. oh, my god! get out of my brain! yes! annie, got your gum! (laughing) i got that, did you get it? yeah, i got it. that's hubba bubba. i asked for dubble bubble. they're both gum. they are not both gum. when i ask for something, i get it! and this goes for all of you! turn me. you!
turn me. you! turn me again. and you! me? all of you! if annie's not happy, you got no show. wally: it's you have no show. and by the way, you do have no show. if you want to do a musical, you have to pay for the rights. all: oh... i've heard that. yeah, i've heard that more. and since we spent all our budget on rallo's grandiose demand-ee-ohs, we have no money. therefore, no play. what demand-ee-ohs? well, your trailer, for one. what? i'm not gonna be a star? exactamundo-rooney! thank god. rallo was turning into such a diva. he was so mean. but his occasional compliments made me walk on air. the thing is, my wife and i have been having crazy sex. lights on, clothes off, first names... everything. but turns out i had a vasectomy. is there any chance i could still get her pregnant?
zero. but the procedure is reversible. great! let's do it. okay, just put this on, while i disclose a few of the potential side effects. first, fluid buildup and swelling of the genitals. always a concern. go on. bleeding in scrotum. okay. and sperm granuloma. i prefer milk on my granuloma in the morning. oh, (laughs), yes, i see. no, no, no, sperm granuloma occurs when sperm leaks into your scrotum and forms an inflamed mass. oh. but don't worry. i've done this twice on a dummy. now lie back and relax. now to make the initial incision... i'll try to match your natural seam, so as not to slice against the grain. preesh. all right, i've made the cut... and i've made a mistake. nurse, abort the procedure. what? what happened? shh, shh, shh, now, now, now, now, now. i'm trying to concentrate. there it is! got it! no! whoops! it's all you. i've got it, i've got it! no, no, don't step on it! oop...
and i owe you a new cup of coffee. you know what, doc? i'm gonna pray on this. (cleveland whimpers) gotta come clean. don't let her seduce you. i will not get turned on. cch pounder on the toitey. cch pounder on the toitey. cch pounder on the toitey... no! no hump! cleveland, i'm pregnant! no. yes. really? ♪ ♪
you acting like you weren't there when it happened. of course i was. i had to have been. what possibly could've snipped my involvement? you know, they say babies can hear everything in the womb. do you want to say "hi"? i'd love to. i don't know who you are, or how you got there, but i'll never love you. ever. and i'm going to follow your mother until i find out who your father is, and then lord it over her until she is destroyed. that is the only way to repair this relationship. love you. oh... i probably will love you, after i see your little face. (giggles) (chuckles) (sighs) good-bye, annie. for us, there is no tomorrow. (sobbing) (sobbing) rallo? ro-ro! j.j.!
i'm so sorry i got the show-show shut down. i ruined it, not just for me but for you guys, and that terrible cast. i let it all go to my head. and now i'm the most pathetic thing on earth: a former child star. now if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna go get this over with and hold up a laundromat. rallo, wait. i think there's a way to do the show even without the rights. we'll do our own knockoff version! ack, ugh! girl don't know how to whisper. i am whispering! donna: and so then dr. fist called to talk to cleveland, and i find out he had a vasectomy and refused to get it reversed. so to get back at him, i've been faking a pregnancy. so suddenly we're friends? i have no one else to talk to. so how long you gonna keep up the ruse? i won't tell the truth until he admits the truth about his vasectomy. but don't you still want a baby? oh, i can always have a baby. but how often do i get to have the upper hand against my husband?
you know, when i can really rub his face in it. your people's marriages are so interesting. let's go shower off. how dare donna lie to me? she drew first blood. not me. i guarantee kendra whizzed in here. so what are you going to do about donna? nothing. i won't admit i'm lying until she admits she's lying. that's gonna be kind of rough. not nearly as rough as the hands of this guy massaging me. want to take it down a notch, sven? (deep voice): sorry, sir. and... boom goes the dynamite. cleveland? i'm home, and nauseous with morning sickness because i'm pregnant. cleveland? oh, hey, donna.
i was just finishing up the paint job on the nursery. now, before i unwrap this expensive, swedish, non-returnable-once-opened crib set i spent $2,000 on, is there anything you want to tell me? two thousand...! no. is there anything you want to tell me? no. my lovely, pregnant wife. nothing. ah! i'm blind! oh. (woman screaming) put the 3d glasses back on, cleveland. i mean, we have to be prepared. unless there's something you want to tell me. (woman moaning) (gagging): no. is that...? ah, she's pooping! she's pooping! it's the miracle of... (retching) excuse me, excuse me. huge, nine-months-pregnant wife coming through.
but her boobs haven't gotten any bigger for some reason. thank you for coming, everyone. and now, with the approval of our team of lawyers... (whispering) mm-hmm. ...stoolbend community theatre proudly presents a sufficiently altered, sound-alike knockoff production anny with a "y"! (jaunty music plays) ♪ it's a bad luck world for we ♪ it's a bad luck world, says me ♪ ♪ no one tucks you into bed ♪ when your mom and dad are dead ♪ ♪ it's a bad luck world. (music stops, applause) (musical sting) you rotten orphanage residents! we love you, miss shenanigans. crawlin' chameleons, papa starbucks. can i really move into your big ol' mansion with you? damn skippy, anny with a y. and i promise i won't try anything nasty. (gentle melody plays) ♪ tomorrow will be so sunny
♪ bet a bunch of money that it's sunny ♪ ♪ on that day ruff! we're under attack! the martians have landed! and they've got space aids! looks like we have no choice. i'm finally gonna meet you, mom and dad. in hell! (rumbling boom) ♪ tomorrow, tomorrow ♪ there is no tomorrow ♪ the world just got blown away. ♪ (lights crackling) (cheering) whoo! yeah! whoo-hoo! careful. that's a lot of sudden movement. you know, for the baby that's under your shirt. my water broke.
so we're really doing this? i guess we are. (screams) push! (groans) push! (screams) oh, the pain! it's so real. give me more morphine. um, you've had kind of a lot. especially considering there's just a couch cushion in there. aha! liar! you were never pregnant! you're the liar! you had a vasectomy! if i may interject... you're both terrible people who should not have any children. in fact, i am not even comfortable sending that cushion home with you. shh, shh, shh. you're with daddy now. oh, he's right. i'm exhausted just pretending to have been pregnant. i'm 42 years old. ugh. what was i thinking? i don't have the energy to have another baby. plus, i gained 20 pounds. higher, bob. yeah, i'm always tired. that baby would've died. what do you say, instead of a baby, we just get a couple hammocks for the side yard? ooh! or maybe one of those big ones we can lie in together. or maybe a couple one-person ones.
(whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) d'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (yelling) (snoring) baseball announcer: it's the world series, two outs, bottom of the ninth. yes, we're at the point where baseball becomes mildly interesting. can homer simpson, fresh off an anxiety dream about not studying for a high school test, come into this dream and knock one out of the park?
and who'da thunk it? we're food too! and apparently i'm married to a pork chop and have drumstick children. how did that happen? (snoring) baseball announcer: we're back... (belches) the pitcher, steroid santa claus, kicks and deals. it's a long fly ball, going back! back! and the ball shatters the sky, bringing the ocean itself down into the stadium! whoa, simpson just broke this dream's reality wide open! the groundskeepers are trying to put on the tarp, but it turned into a manta ray and stung them all. now, we'll be right back after this word from oxygen, which homer desperately needs to live. (gurgling) (coughing, spitting) marge: homer! the roof is leaking! water's coming in the house, and we've got carpet mushrooms. dad, all the jury summons you buried in the back yard are coming back up.